Thanks to Firemagic and Star Weasel, the brave people who betaed this mission.
Sergio read the assignment on the console.
“Let’s see… A hurt/comfort from Card Captor Sakura. A textbook one, although I would have preferred one from another continuum.” Sergio glanced at Nikki. “You know, I don’t think it’s good for you to meet… well, the person you were supposed to be. Unfortunately, I can’t do much to get a different one.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine… I think.”
“Well, if you feel uneasy at any time during the mission, don’t be afraid to tell me. Alright, time to choose the gear. A way to ensure you are bringing everything is ‘CRAWL NOW’.”
“Crawl? Why?” Nikki asked in confusion.
“It’s an acronym I came up with,” Sergio explained. “Every letter is the initial of a tool you need in a mission. CAD. Remote Activator, Weapon, List, Neuralyzer, Other stuff, Weapon again. I still need to find a way to make Bleeprin fit inside, though.”
Sergio started gathering various stuff from the RC.
“CAD stands for both Canon Analysis Device and Character Analysis Device. As you can guess from the names, the first shows how much a canon character is warped by the badfic and the other one tells you if an original character is a Sue, a bit or a developed character.”
“Bit?”
“A character without personality,” Sergio explained, “They’re usually generated by a Sue. Like Sues, usually there’s not enough existence put into them to make them people.”
Sergio showed an handheld computer to Nikki.
“This is a Combined CAD. It does the same job as CADs, but it’s a single device instead of two. A word of warning when working with these kind of equipment: they tend to fail a lot. Often spectacularly. So, when one starts going nuts, drop it immediately and stand back.”
Sergio put the CAD in his backpack and moved to the next tool.
“Remote Activator. It’s what we use to travel between badfics and HQ. It isn’t a portal generator – that’s part of the console that every RC has – but it’s the remote that activates it. Always keep one handy, it can save you from sticky situations.”
The RA went in the backpack too, and Sergio pulled out his pistol from the holster.
“Weapon. While not strictly required, it’s the simplest way to kill Sues and defend yourself in case of danger. Be sure not to bring a weapon that doesn’t exist where you are going, it would contaminate canon.”
“I see. But why did you say it two times?”
“Always have a backup weapon in case the first one fails.” Sergio showed her a combat knife. “If your first weapon fails to work on your target or you lose it for some reason, it’s best to have a spare one. This mission probably isn’t going to need one, but it’s always best to be prepared. Things tend to go haywire at the first opportunity. Er… What letter is next?”
“CRAWL… L, I think.”
“Thanks, Nikki. L is for ‘List’. you need a way to record everything the fic gets wrong, as we have to charge the Sue or the Author Wraith involved. Pen and notebook is one of the most common and reliable ways to write down a charge list.”
Sergio pulled out of a pocket what looked like a silver pen.
“I know what a pen is, thanks”
“This is not a pen, it’s the next gadget. Neuralyzer. Never seen the Men In Black movies?”
“No, I haven’t. Sorry.”
“Well, this little ‘pen’ emits a bright flash that allows us to alter the memories of canon characters. Basically, we make them forget what happened during the badfic, and thanks to how Word Worlds work, it will be exactly like nothing happened at all. Turn your eyes away from the flash, and don’t ask me how it works – I have no idea at all, and I’m not that sure it can be understood by human minds at all.”
“This place is weird!”
“Yeah, I know.” Sergio laughed, “You’ll get used to it. Remember, don’t think about things too much. Alright, last letter. O as in Other Stuff. Basically, everything that could be useful in a mission. Flashlight, food, first aid kit, duct tape, ropes… this kind of stuff. A mission can last anywhere from ten minutes to several days, so it’s best to be prepared.”
Sergio walked to the Console and started setting up the portal.
“Feel free to choose any of the weapons on the rack. I’d leave the M82A1 there, though.”
“But they’re all guns! I don’t want a gun! I don’t even know how to wield one!”
“… Damn. I’m sorry, but I tend to use mainly guns and Corolla’s got her magic… Wait, do you still have card captor powers?”
“Er… no. Something happened to my magic, and I don’t know how it works anymore.” Nikki explained, ”The only thing I know it that I’m no longer the Mistress of the Sakura Book, and this time I don’t even have somebody who can teach me how to use my magic.”
“Doesn’t sound good. Well, this time we aren’t going to get into fights, so you can go in unarmed. After all, it’s not like I expect you to be able to use that katana I have on on the wall or throw grenades-”
“Wait, grenades? Can you give me some? I can use them”
Sergio stared at Nikki.
“… Did I heard that right? You know how to throw grenades?”
“Er… yes. Is there something wrong?”
“Nothing really. But, honestly, I didn’t expect you to like explosives.”
“Well, I never used fragmentation ones,” Nikki admitted, “I only used flashbangs and smoke grenades, but I know how to use fragmentation and plasma ones too.”
“Plasma? Like those in Halo? Wherever you are from, it must have been a weird crossover. Alright, time to start. Let’s set disguises on the console. The flash patch on the uniform emits a field that hides us from canon characters, but anything created by the badfic author is still able to see us.”
“Why do you set them on that computer?”
“The disguises aren’t normal disguises. When we step into the portal, our bodies and clothes are somehow morphed into whatever we set into the Disguise Generator. Ours isn’t working well, so it’s best to stay as close as possible to our actual appearance.”
“So… It can be used to age me up? I feel kinda short with you. And I am supposed to be sixteen!”
Sergio laughed.
“Yes, but when we get back here you’ll still be in a 10-years-old body. The only way to make your chronological and biological age match permanently is a trip to Medical.” Sergio stepped back from the console. “Feel free to fiddle with your disguise settings, it will give you a good preview.”
“How do I look?”
Nikki was now much taller and wearing Tomoeda’s high school uniform. Her hair now reached just below her shoulders, but the odd thing was that her face aged differently from that of both canonical Sakuras, retaining more of her original cute look.
“B-beautiful.” Sergio stuttered. He managed until then to ignore the fact that he was basically with his Lust Object by concentrating on the training, but for him Teenage!Nikki was stunning.
“Are you OK? You look a bit strange.”
“It’s nothing! I… er-”
It might be a fail. I like it anyway.
Both Agents covered their ears.
“What was that?”
“Author’s Note. Fic’s starting.” Sergio explained. Was it about what I was going to say? he added in his thoughts.
The undefined pre-fic space became a generic city after sunset, and a grown up Sakura (this time the canonical one) was walking away fast from some kind of academy.
“Let’s see what we have… Wait, when Sakura was supposed to be a martial artist?”
“I see only m… her walking. How did you…?”
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t explain to you how to read the Words.” Sergio apologized, “Stare at a blank surface, unfocus your eyes and you should be able to read the text of the fic. Try it.”
Nikki did what she was told.
“I see it!… Wait, it talks about martial arts, but shouldn’t I- er, she have the Cards?”
“Yeah, that’s a charge. Good find.”
“And it also mentions Syaoran being blind. But he’s not blind! Charge?”
“Yeah, you’re getting the hang of it. Very good.”
The two Agents followed Sakura until she was dragged into a dark alley by three men.
“Oh, no. This doesn’t feel good,” Sergio said, “This doesn’t feel good at all.”
The three men clearly had the intention to rape her, and commented on how small Sakura was, and that she was probably a virgin.
“Great, exactly what I didn’t want to see.” Sergio complained, “Generic Rapists.”
“Shouldn’t we save her?”
“Unfortunately not, Nikki. As much as I want to put several bullets through their heads, we must follow this thing until we have enough charges… Wait, is their leader orally raping her? It doesn’t make sense! Doesn’t he realize that Sakura can bite it, causing extreme pain and damage?”
Sergio turned to Nikki, who was staring blankly at the scene.
“Nikki?”
She didn’t respond. Sergio grabbed her shoulders and shook her.
“Snap out of it! You are not Sakura, they’re not raping you!”
Nikki blinked a couple of times and shivered.
“That… That… I don’t feel well.”
Sergio produced a box of pills and a bottle of water from his backpack.
“Take one of these. They’ll make you feel better.”
Nikki gulped one of the pills with a bit of water.
“Thanks. It’s like the bad memories are fading away.”
“That’s what Bleeprin is for.” Sergio quickly glanced again at the end of the alley. “Good, Syaoran’s there.”
Syaoran, despite being blind, managed to knock out the Generic Rapists so quickly the two Agents didn’t even have the time to realize it. Afterwards, the two canons ran away from the alley.
“Nikki, follow them. I’ll catch up later, I have something to do first.”
She obeyed, and started chasing Sakura and Syaoran. She ignored the sound of gunshots coming from the alley.
Just before Nikki ran out of breath Syaoran stumbled into a bench.
“Oh! Syaoran! You forgot your cane! We have to go back!” Sakura was upset now, making him sit down and prodding his belly. He didn’t groan at anything, and so she figured that he was okay, just a little bit winded.
“We aren’t going back, Sakura. Not after what they did to you. I might kill them if I even hear their voices again.”
“No need for that.” said a voice behind Nikki.
“Did you kill them?”
“Yes,” Sergio admitted, “Usually generics either integrate or disappear, but I wasn’t going to let three rapists go around in Card Captor Sakura. I hope that doesn’t disturb you.”
“Not at all. In fact, after what they did, I wanted to thank you for that.”
“You’re welcome. Oh, they’re walking again. Let’s get a CAD reading while we can.”
Sergio pulled out the CAD from his backpack, and brought it to life with a couple whacks.
“Can I try doing this?”
“Sure. Aim the CAD at one of them and push this button.”
[Sakura Kinomoto. Human female. Canon. Out of character 25.7%. Error: “Card Captor” magical power not found in subject. Please reinstall character and reboot.]
“What does that mean, Sergio?”
“Sakura’s warped, but not in a critical way. And we have the confirmation that this fic removed her magic. Can you scan Syaoran too?”
“Sure.”
[Syaoran Li. Human male. Canon. Out of character 32.9%. Why is he blind? It hurtsssss]
Nikki dropped the sparking machine. In a few seconds’ time it was nothing more than a molten puddle.
“Another one bites the dust.”
“They all melt this way?”
“No. Sometimes, they blow up.”
The two Agents followed Sakura and Syaoran to the latter’s apartment. Sakura had a shower while Syaoran prepared some of his clothes for her to wear.
“That’s quite sensible, in fact.” Sergio conceded. “This thing is mixing up plausible and implausible things. Such as the fact that they didn’t go to the police. It’s… weird.”
“Does it happen often?”
“Not very much. But at least it has decent enough grammar. Usually the Words are barely readable at all… Am I seeing things, or is it saying that now Sakura is in Syaoran’s arms… dripping wet and naked?”
“Yes, it does.” Nikki confirmed, “I understand her being scared, but she’s not engaged to Syaoran yet in this story. Which is wrong, they declared their love to each other several years before this is supposed to be set! I’m adding this to the charge list.”
“You’re going to be better than me at catching charges if you keep going this way.”
“Thanks!”
While writing in the notebook Nikki noticed out of the corner of the eye Syaoran and Sakura exiting the bathroom. And she was still wearing nothing. The rookie Agent dragged her partner into the nearest room, covering his eyes with her hands.
“What the…? You’re going to bend my glasses!”
“Sorry, but they were coming this way. And Sakura’s still naked.”
“Oh, I see. Only metaphorically, though. Could you…?”
“Sure.”
Once free of the improvised blindfolding Sergio started cleaning his glasses.
“Let me guess. They headed to the bedroom?”
“Yes. And they’re doing… er… that.”
Sergio frowned.
“Great. I don’t think it’s the best way to help Sakura recover from what happened. And, besides, I can’t believe she’s consenting to sex after being almost gang-raped!”
“Well… she was the one asking Syaoran for it. Even worse, I think.”
“Yeah. I think this warrants an exorcism. When characters are driven OOC but there’s no Sue, there’s usually an Author Wraith possessing them. Luckily, literally anything can be used for this. Ok, when will they get dressed?”
Nikki glanced at the Words again.
“Er… They don’t.”
“What?”
“There is no more text after they decide to… er… have a round two.”
“Dammit.” Sergio complained, “ We have to basically break in while they are having some quality time. I know, they’re not supposed to, but it still feels gross. And, besides, I don’t want to see them naked, especially since… well…”
Sergio’s face started becoming red.
“Since I am a clone of her?” Nikki asked.
“Exactly. I mean, I know I’m not seeing you naked, but… well, since you’re a lot alike it’s… er-”
Fail? Lol!
Sergio stared at the ceiling. Those Author Notes are mocking me, he thought.
“What if you use your bandana as a blindfold?” Nikki asked.
“Yeah, it might work. But I won’t be able to do the exorcism myself. Do you think you can do it if I give you step-by-step instructions?”
“Yes, I think. Is it difficult?”
“Not at all. Take the Card Captor Sakura DVDs from my backpack.”
“What for?”
“Step one: Whack canons on the head with canon material.”
The two Agents entered the bedroom. Luckily, Sergio managed to not stumble into anything… until he hit something with his nose.
“Ow. What was that?”
“Wardrobe. I can’t believe they didn’t notice us.”
“The SEP field tends to work very well if canons are concentrated on something else. Whack them hard, it will stun them.”
[Whack. Whack.]
“Done.”
Sergio took a flashlight from his utility belt and aimed it towards the source of the whacks.
“Step two: Source of light. Candles on the edges of an exorcism circle thing, or flashlight aimed at the face.”
“You’re aiming at the wall. A bit lower… Now left… Too much… Perfect. What now?”
“Step 3: Charge and exorcise. We are Agents Sergio Turbo and Nikki Cherryflower from the Protectors of the Plot Continuum. Author Wraith, you are charged with…”
Nikki pulled out the notebook and read it.
“Making Sakura an accomplished martial artist, removing Sakura and Syaoran’s magic powers, creating three idiotic Generic Rapists with German names in Japan, making them attempt… wait, does it count as attempted rape or proper rape?”
“Proper, I think. They didn’t manage to take away her virginity, but they still sexually assaulted her.”
“OK. Making them rape Sakura in an improbable way, making Syaoran blind for no reason at all yet able to knock out the aforementioned rapists with ease, making Sakura want to have sex after that, clumsily writing a sex scene, and making Sakura and Syaoran declare their love only after the aforementioned scene.”
“In the name of Nanase Ohkawa, Mokona, Tsubaki Nekoi, and Satsuki Igarashi, leave those bodies, Author-Wraith, and go away from this canon! Whack them again, Nikki.”
The rookie Agent did that, and a gray mist left the heads of the two canons.
“I thought it was a good idea…” it whined, then dissolved.
“It’s gone. Now, what do we do?”
Before her partner could respond, Syaoran complained that he still couldn’t see.
“Not good”, said Sergio, “If he can’t see, we can’t neuralyze him. And if we can’t neuralyze him, he won’t be able to turn back into his canonical self completely and thus see. Time for a trip to Medical. But, please, can you two dress up now? I want to take away this blindfold. Not being able to see is kinda unpleasant. You have my sympathies, Syaoran.”
Five hours later, Sergio and a now-fully-teenager Nikki entered Response Center #1587 carrying several bags.
“I never thought I would ever go on a shopping spree.”
“Well, you had to build your wardrobe anew, that’s reasonable. You don’t want to wear the same clothes all the time, do you?”
Sergio was going to start laughing, when noticed that Nikki looked quite uneasy.
“Hey, is there something wrong?”
“I’m sorry for making you pay for me. I’ll give you back the money as soon as I can.”
“Don’t worry, it’s not like I need it. I live in this RC, and the only things I have to buy usually are food and ammo. Yeah, the salary isn’t much, I admit it, but the stuff that can be brought back from missions usually supplements it nicely. But I have the impression this isn’t the problem, is it?”
“You’re right. Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
“Are there a lot of mission like this one? You said this was a ‘textbook’ one, or something like that.”
Sergio sighed.
“Unfortunately, yes. Are you still feeling uneasy due to what you saw?”
“A bit, yes. But I have to understand that now I am Nikki Cherryflower, not Sakura Kinomoto. The matter was another one, actually.”
“And it is?”
“Have you…” Nikki started asking with visible embarrassment, “Have you have ever seen Sakura naked before?”
Nikki blushed, her face hot enough to fry an egg on her cheeks.
“No, I didn’t.” Sergio reassured her, “Not all missions involve undressed characters, and until now I always managed to stay out of the way in the missions that did.”
Nikki sighed in relief.
“Good. It would have been quite awkward if you had. Alright, how did I do in my first mission?”
“Very well. You learn surprisingly fast. Corolla wasn’t half this good.”
“Corolla?… Oh, right, the little fairy.”
Sergio laughed.
“Good thing she didn’t hear you. She hates being mistook for one.”
“What is she then?”
“Unison Device. Think about a small Guardian made from Magitek who can fuse with her master to enhance his or her magic.” Sergio explained, “However, she’s currently masterless as there aren’t many Agents from her continuum around.”
“I see.”
[Bip.]
Sergio reached the Console and opened the message.
“I wonder what they want now. This time I followed all the rules… Oh, the Flowers say that you are now a full Agent, and that you are partnered with Corolla and me.”
“Well, I guess I am lucky. I think that both of you are nice people.”
“Happy to hear that. And, yes, I think that you are lucky too. It could be much worse. Like being partnered with Luxury.”
Wings Of Canon 