This mission was written with Firemagic aka Karrin Blue. Ari and Tera are hers.
I want also to thank Star Weasel for helping us with the betaing.
“Dovakhiin, Dovakhiin, da da da da da DA!”
Tera sighed as she ran a specially-made file on the top of her pink-stained armblade. Ari tended to sing in the shower, and since she had the voice of Nana Mizuki, she wasn’t a BAD singer. It was just that she had trouble remembering more than the first lines or the chorus, so she could go from ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ to the extended version of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic theme in five minutes.
“A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away, Naboo was under an attack…”
Tera sighed again and scraped away another strip of dried blood. She was getting rather suspicious–the console hadn’t made a peep, even though they were probably in their most tempting positions yet: she was sitting comfortably with a sharp object, the minis were sleeping peacefully on the new rug, and Ari was relaxing in the shower.
[Oh, fine. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! Bip.]
“Tera, what have I told you about questioning nice things?” yelled Ari from the shower.
Tera rolled her upper eye and tapped some buttons. “Oh. Well, this is gonna be fun. We have to team up with someone.”
In the meantime, the inhabitants of RC #1587 were sleeping. Well, until…
[BEEEEEEPWAKEUPBEEEEEEEEEEP! And bip too.]
“Ma cosa diavolo…?” [Translation: What the hell…?]
Sergio got up… and heard a loud thud.
“Owww…”
“You OK, Nikki?”
“Just hit the roof with my head.”
“Bunk beds weren’t that good of an idea, then. Well, get up, seems that we’ve got a new mission.”
Sergio walked over to the console while Nikki tried to wake up Corolla.
“Just five more minutes…”
“Corolla, we’ve got a mission, wake up!”
Corolla just rolled away from her partners.
“Corolla is sleeping. Leave a message after the bip. BIP!”
“We’ve got a Harry Potter/Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha crossover with a lot of replacement Sues.”
Corolla literally jumped out of bed.
“Sues? I’m awake, I’m awake! Are they tasty?”
“I think Nanoha’s a little too hard for your teeth.” Sergio answered, “Besides, you’re NOT going to eat a Sue in front of other Agents. We’ve got a team assignment this time.”
“Team assignment?” Nikki stared at Sergio in confusion.
“Yeah, it happens when a duo or trio of Agents is not considered enough to tackle the fic.” Sergio explained, “It’s never a good omen, unfortunately, but at least you make new friends.”
“Who are they?”
“Agents Ari and Tera, Floaters. RC #97. Let’s dress up, gear up and get there.”
Back in RC #97!
Ari pulled on her jacket while Tera tried to clean up the RC. Really, there wasn’t much to clean up, but Tera seemed to think it was important that there was no dust on the Intelligence Core. “Tera, calm down. It’s a couple other agents, not your mother-in-law.” said Ari, dropping books and DVDs into her backpack.
Tera sighed and readjusted the mounted Sue-Angel wings on the wall. “I know, but I still want it to look nice.”
Ari sighed, pulling on her boots. “It’s not like we had time to get it messy, anyways.”
Tera frowned, but stopped cleaning and grabbed the stabs from their position on the shelf. She looked like she was about to say something, when someone knocked on the door. Tera walked over to the door and pulled it open. Standing in the doorway was a brunette teenaged girl with a box bearing the Armory’s symbol and a big backpack, a brown-haired guy with an enormous rifle on his back, and a 6-inch-tall blue haired girl holding a large parcel. “I take it you’re the agents from RC #1587?”
The male agent nodded. “I’m Sergio, the little one’s Corolla, and she’s Nikki. Department of Floaters, Special Operations Division.”
Tera was about to respond when Ari ran up. “Wait… I thought your profile said you were a Unison Device, but you’re half the size of one. Are you from a badfic? Are you a real Unison Device?”
Corolla nearly lost her grip on the parcel due to Ari’s series of questions.
“Well, I am a Unison Device. I don’t know if I am a Belkan one or a Mid-Childan copy, though.” Corolla explained, “My Linker Core was damaged, so DoSAT gave me this setting to help it recover by lessening my mana consumption. It’s still taking ages, unfortunately. You’re Ari, right?”
“Yes, why?”
“DoSAT gave me this parcel for you. They said it’s the Book Of Dawn, and something like they spent days finding a way to de-power it.”
Ari flinched. “Um. Are you sure? They don’t think it’ll trigger a Sue-ness relapse?”
Corolla shrugged. “I don’t think so. They said something about it lacking an AI other than a basic voice interface, and a bunch of failsafes that might trigger a coma if glitter levels get above a certain point. Besides, they let Sergio keep two F-22s, so it doesn’t seem too overpowered as it is.” Ari didn’t look very reassured, but opened the box anyways.
The book looked remarkably normal, for being a former-Sue Artifact. It had a dark red cover, and the only ornamentation was a golden symbol, a ring with three arrows coming out of the center. With a flick of her hand, Ari put the Book half a dimension away.
“Well. Have you guys read the mission stats? Sounds like every character who speaks is replaced.”
“Yeah. This is going to be difficult.” Sergio answered, “I am definitely not looking forward to engaging Not-exclamation-mark-Nanoha in combat. Alright, are we all ready? The sooner we go, the sooner it will be over.”
Ari nodded. “What’s in the other box?” she asked Nikki.
“Oh, well, we grabbed a couple Muggle-use wands. I didn’t figure out how my magic works, so those will help me a lot.” she replied.
Ari nodded quickly, tapping in disguises and opening the portal. “We’ll be standard students–Gryffindor, methinks.” As Tera, Nikki, and Sergio walked through the portal, Ari grabbed Corolla’s arm.
“Wait one second–I need to ask you something.”
~~~~~~~~
Tera fiddled with her red-and-gold scarf. She’d been put back in her regular human body, and she had been rearranging the items in her backpack. Sergio’s rifle was somehow cloaked to appear like a broomstick, although his stance made it clear that it still weighed thirty pounds. As Ari and Corolla, who was now a first-year brunette, walked through, the Author’s Note began to sound.
Me: Yay, I’m back!
Snape: I hate you! (Bomb drops from the sky, landing on his head) You’re horrid!
Nanoha: I think Lucia’s cool though!
Me: I don’t own Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha or Harry Potter!
Snape: I hate her! (Another bomb drops on his head) Gah!
Nanoha: O-Kay… (A little shaken)
Me: Let’s start! (Big smile on face)
“Oh, great.” Sergio complained, “Script-style Author Notes, with the author sock-puppeting Nanoha and Snape.”
“Sock-puppeting badly,” Ari added, “Snape’s nothing like that. He would never say something like, well, most of what he just said.”
The scene changed from Pre-Fic space into Dumbledore’s office. The group of Agents had to carefully scatter themselves around the office in order to not bump into Dumbledore, Minerva McGonagall or the miscellaneous stuff that lined up the office.
“He’s got everything but the kitchen sink here.”
Ari quietly pointed to a gently bubbling basin in the corner.
In the meantime, the two canons were discussing about hiring a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and Dumbledore stated that he was going to search for one in Japan.
“Why is he going that far to find a DADA teacher?” Tera questioned, “As McGonagall just said, America would have been a more logical choice if there were no more of them in England. Besides, the Ministry wants to put Umbridge there, why isn’t she the professor?”
“Probably he already wants Nanoha for that position, but how is he supposed to know anything about her?” Sergio added. “And, Corolla, don’t touch anything.”
The childish girl didn’t have the time to fiddle with anything, though, as the scene changed suddenly throwing all five Agents off their feet.
“I knew I should have remained a Unison Device.” Corolla complained while dusting off her clothes. “Oh, Nanoha’s there.”
The Agents watched what appeared to be a complete rip-off of Nanoha’s training in Uminari City’s park at the beginning of A’s, with the only difference being Nanoha achieving a higher score than in the series.
“Wait,” said Ari, “This fic is set two years after A’s. Nanoha shouldn’t be able to achieve that kind of score after being nearly killed by that Gadget Drone. In fact, Shamal wouldn’t have let her out of the hospital at all!”
“She wouldn’t have been able to even exit it by herself,” Sergio agreed, “If I recall correctly, she wasn’t even able to walk for a good few months. Are we sure that the one in front of us isn’t already the replacement?”
Meanwhile, Nanoha had somehow sensed the presence of another mage, and set up both Raising Heart and her Barrier Jacket. The Device was, however, very different than the canon version–instead of the pink-and-gold canonical Raising Heart, it took the form of a long, solid hot-pink staff with a large red orb on the end, rather like a classic wizard’s staff.
“I’ll take a reading.” Nikki said, pulling out her C-CAD.
“Flier Fin!” The girl shouted. As if on cue, a pair of small pink wings appeared on each of her feet.
She flew up into the sky, to meet Albus Dumbledore riding a broomstick. She aimed her staff at him, demanding, “State your name and business here.”
The man replied, “I’m Albus Dumbledore, and I was hoping to find a new teacher here.” He looked at the young girl and added, “And it seems that you’ll make an excellent one. What’s your name?”
The girl was appalled. Getting over her shock, she answered, “I’m Nanoha, 5th grader at an elementary school, member of the TSAB.”
The man nodded. “Are you willing to accept the position?”
“Yes.”
The agents gaped. None of them could even think of how to respond to the logic breaking there. As Nanoha began to fly back, Ari finally spoke.
“Did… did he even TELL HER WHAT HOGWARTS IS?” she roared.
As the sock-puppeted Nanoha appeared, accompanied by Severus Snape and an Avatar, the other four agents all shook their heads.
While the disclaimer shrieked, Nikki held up the C-CAD.
Nanoha: Anyway, to answer some questions…
Me: Yes, the attack on Nanoha was already performed, but she recovered. I haven’t been looking at reviews that much, so I’m sorry if I didn’t answer your question.
The agents all stared as the C-CAD wailed, and the words [Takamachi Nanoha. Human Female. MSLN Canon: Main Character. Character Replacement. Raising Heart. Genderless Intelligent Device. MSLN Canon: Supporting Character. Character Replacement. Kill, Kill, Kill!] shone with red light.
Snape: Sorry it took so long to update, but I think that Lucia has been getting too much candy lately…
Me: You are so going to regret that… (Takes out Bardiche Duse)
Ari watched as the (Apparently 83% Out Of Character) Snape tried to run away from the Author Avatar, who was holding onto a new mini, Bardiche Duse, surrounded by a series of yellow daggers. When the new chapter came, the mini fell on the ground, and Ari grabbed it as the small mountaintop park turned into the outside of Number Four, Privet Drive.
At the moment, Harry was angsting about how Dudley would beat him up, and the general sorry state of his life, so everything seemed to be canonical. Of course, given the tender, loving care that had been given to the events of Nanoha canon, this was probably not going to last.
Right now, Uncle Vernon’s yelling at me, and I really don’t want to hear anything. When he was finished, I ran towards a park, where Dudley was alone.
I started to taunt him, but everything grew cold all of a sudden.
Corolla frowned. “Harry taunting Dudley? Next we’ll see Hermione mocking Draco’s lineage.”
Tera looked at her. “I’m more concerned with the liberties taken with the OotP plot. Why couldn’t the author stick with the original introduction?”
The other four agents, in a display of amazing coordination, gave her the exact same look, which said, ‘Do we need to answer that question?’
Tera frowned, and looked ahead in the words as Harry cast a Patronus charm. “Uh-oh. Massive time compression, six-o-clock!”
Ms. Figg revealed that she was a Squid later, and said something about Mudungus Fletcher. I was sent to Ron’s, and well, before that, I got a letter from the Ministry of Magic, and a couple of others discussing me getting expelled, stuff like that.
After SOME time, we could finally go to Diagon Alley…
“So… Harry just defended himself from amazingly out-of-place Dementors, and the Ministry want to expel him from Hogwarts?” questioned Sergio while running after the mini-Aragog, “Isn’t that actually one of the few cases in which students are authorized to use magic out of school?”
Ari swallowed Bleeprin, trying to erase the dual mental strain of seeing a squid in a dress and the huge timeskip. “Actually, I think he really DID get in trouble in canon–the Ministry didn’t think that he actually saw a Dementor, and that he’d done magic in front of a Muggle.”
“True,” Sergio conceded, “But a whole swarm of them would have been noticed. Then again, at the Ministry there were a lot of idiots canonically. Scratch that charge.”
Ari shrugged and scribbled on her notebook, before looking up in shock at an alto noise.
Nanoha POV
Tera ran over and scooped up the white-and-pink Nanoha POV. “Oh, you poor thing. Did the mean, nasty Suethor kidnap you? Did she? Poor widdle mini.”
“Let’s see, what’s next? Um, a wand?” I asked myself. I shook my head. Raging Heart was enough. She was my Intelligent Device, my staff. Besides, I had a lot of magical energy already. I shouldn’t overexert myself again.
Ari hit herself in the head with her hardbound copy of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. “No–” thump “–she–” thwack “–did not–” smack “–have a lot of magical energy. In fact–” book-to-face “– she could barely do any magic. She hadn’t recovered completely when she was 19. Ow…”
“Easy there.” Sergio advised, “Exorcising yourself isn’t going to help.”
I sigh again, before I spotted a particular boy. I squinted at his head, where I could see a small scar. The boy caught me staring soon… He was walking towards me, and I felt myself blush.
Nikki stared. “Um, I know I’m not too familiar with Nanoha, and I know that characters there can be older than they look by a couple hundred years… But she’s eleven, right?”
Sergio nodded. “Yeah. Plus, that has to be one of the most contrived meetings ever. So, Ari, if you’re not too concussed, charge for that.”
Ari frowned and made some notes, although Sergio carefully didn’t mention the fact that her writing went almost vertically across five lines.
In the meantime, Nanoha had apparently finished her shopping. Tera looked up at the Words, and dropped in a defensive crouch, shielding Nanoha POV with her body. “Giant timeskip number 2, coming up!”
Now that I had everything, I walked back to the Leaky Cauldron. There, Dumbledore had rented me a room. I walked into my room and practiced new spells. However, I accidentally knocked something over…
(One Day Later)
I smiled at Hagrid as I got into a boat. Although I was a teacher, I wanted to act like a student more. I sigh, my books sitting in my lap.
As I caught sight of the castle, I gasped. This was Hogwarts? Fate and Arf would’ve said that was their mansion, although that was still a castle.
Tera moaned and uncurled from her position guarding Nanoha POV. “Ugh. What … what castle? Fate and Arf live in a normal house. I mean, it’s a nice house, it’s very high-tech and probably expensive, but the only thing resembling a castle would’ve been the Garden of Time, and Nanoha only ever saw that as it was being torn apart.”
“Plus, it was quite ominous looking back then, and you can’t say that of Hogwarts.” Corolla added while getting up.
All Agents had just managed to get into a standing position again when another scene transition threw them on the ground again.
“Why do I keep bothering with getting up?” Corolla complained, “I know I’ll keep ending up lying on the floor again.”
“At least you don’t have a thirty-pound Barret M82A1 on your back.” Sergio grunted while getting up. “I have to get one of those Gauss Rifle from Crysis. More punch, lighter package.” He put his rifle (still disguised as a broomstick) against a wall and did some stretching.
[Harry Potter. Human Male. HP canon: Main Character. Character Replacement. Kill it with extreme prejudice.]
“Sorry. I face-planted on my CAD.” Nikki apologized.
Ari shrugged. “Don’t mind. At least now we know what he is. Get back here, Harry Potter POV!” she hissed, diving under a table to catch the mini-Aragog as Umbridge began to speak.
“Hello, my name is Dolores Umbridge. I was chosen by the Ministry of Magic to…” I yawned. This was so boring…
Finally, her long speech was over. I smiled at the thought of me being able to rest again. I had a long day..
As the scenery faded again, Ari wrapped a bind spell around Harry Potter POV. “Wait, what? She just stopped talking. Was time supposed to elapse there?”
Tera shrugged. “I think so. But on the bright side, we’re in chapter three now. Halfway through!” She opened a portal to the Adoption Center and tossed Mudungus Fletcher, Harry Potter POV, and Bardiche Duse in, before making a second portal to RC #97 and gently nudging Nanoha POV through.
Me: It’s been some time… (Suddenly spots Snape and starts using Plasma Lancer)
Snape: HELP!
Nanoha: Anyway, Lucia doesn’t own MGLN or Harry Potter. She only owns-
Bai: (Suddenly Appears) -me.
Nanoha: Who’re you?
Me: My character. She is the daughter of You-Know-Who.
Harry: WHAT? (Pretends to be Dead)
Ari groaned. “Not only is this a character replacement, but he’s dumb as a mime with its tongue cut out.”
“So, we have an Implausible Crossover, two main-character replacements, and a Sue. Holy Reinforce Eins in a sweater, this mission sucks,” moaned Corolla.
As the group of agents trotted through the hallways, Ari flicked her hand. The Book of Dawn appeared, and immediately flipped open to a pair of blank pages.
“What’s that?” asked Nikki, watching with some trepidation as tiny motes of light came from around them and slowly touched the pages of the book. To her surprise, after a few moments, a few words began to fade into view on it.
“Oh, you’ll see!” said Corolla, while Ari made an expression probably intended to be a mysterious smile, but came out looking rather deranged.
Nanoha wore her barrier jacket, but had a staff in her hand, ready for spells. She had practiced many spells in the Leaky Cauldron, so she knew what to expect in this class.
Tera rolled her eyes. “Oh, yeah. Because practicing spells for one night obviously qualifies you to teach when you’re a) eleven years old and b) completely unfamiliar with what’s being taught in this class.”
“Don’t forget, since Mid-Childan and Potterverse magic are completely different, Nanoha shouldn’t even be able to cast the simplest spells.” Sergio added.
“Look there!” Corolla said pointing at Not!Nanoha. Due to the fifth-year students being rightfully dubious about an 11-year-old teacher, the replacement had challenged the class to try and cast spells on her, easily deflecting Draco’s hex without any visible Mid-Childan magic, sending it back at him, although Draco dodged at the last second. Ostensibly, this was because she had been practicing magic for a long time.
“There’s nothing right in this scene!” Tera complained, “First, two years isn’t a long time. Second, provoking students into attacking her is forbidden, and third SHE CAN’T DO MAGIC.” Ari nodded and was writing down charges, when all of a sudden, a very familiar girl walked in.
“Fate-chan?” Nanoha asked, eyes wide. The blonde-haired girl lifted her head, revealing a pair of beautiful eyes.
Ari stared.
“Nanoha-chan? What’re you doing here?”
“I’m teaching,” she responded.
Fate nodded before Nanoha turned to the class and said, “Everyone, it appears we have a new exchange student from Japan. Please welcome Fate Testarossa Harlaown.” Fate smiled at the others. “Hi. I hope I’ll get to know you all better. I’m in Gryffindor,” she said softly. Nanoha grinned. “You may sit at my desk.” Fate nodded before placing her items on the desk. She got out a quill and began to take notes.
Ari looked stunned. “Buh–buh—Enforcer training–school–I–I–” with that, Ari began to curse. She started out in English, which quickly turned into something sounding vaguely German and ended in a low, growling noise reminiscent of a dog.
Nikki looked at the Possessed canon and Ari. “Hey, are you two related or something? You look almost identical.”
Tera patted Ari on the back. “Ari’s a Character Replacement of the girl that Fate was cloned from. There’s a couple differences–Ari’s left-handed, for example.” Nikki looked like she was about to talk, when a sudden scene change threw them into the girl’s Gryffindor dorm, just as Fate walked up.
She had already done her homework and there wasn’t anyone here, so she was ready. “Bardiche,” she said.
The Intelligent Device replied, “Get set.” Fate nodded and said softly, “Set up.” Fate’s robes were replaced by her barrier jacket, and Bardiche seemed to be an ax-like staff. The ribbons in her hair were also replaced black ones. She jumped out of the window and flew towards the forest.
Nikki ran to the window and held up her C-CAD, which read [Fate Testarossa-Harlaown. Mid-Childan Artificial Mage. MSLN Canon: Main Character. 74% OOC. Exorcise soon.]
They got through a sock-puppeting that luckily ended quickly, although since they emerged into a yelling match between the Golden Trio about how Fate was strange, that was hardly something to celebrate.
“I’m telling you, Fate isn’t normal!”
“Yes, she is! She’s only a transfer student!”
Harry really didn’t want to hear them. His mind was already filled with how he could escape Umbridge’s detention. He really wanted to play Quidditch, just for this moment.
“She has the weirdest-” Ron began.
Finally, after the 7,238th time of the argument, Harry had enough. “SHUT UP! I’M SICK OF HEARING YOU TALK! CAN’T YOU LET ME THINK?” He screamed.
As Fate stepped into view, Ari started making more charges. “So, charges for Harry and Hermione finding nothing off with an eleven year old in a fifth year class and knowing the teacher… Umbridge giving detentions offscreen… Harry yelling at Ron…”
Sergio watched Fate walk up to the canons, apparently finished with whatever she had been doing in the Forbidden Forest. As Hermione told Fate that the reason Harry had been yelling at Ron was because he thought she was pretty, Sergio rolled his eyes. “Worst. Excuse. Ever. That could in no way explain why Harry was yelling.”
“If he wasn’t already Replaced, the CAD would be melting by now, I suppose,” sighed Corolla.
“Could be,” Sergio conceded, “Even if C-CADs seem a lot more resilient than the previous models. Not Makes-Things’ doing, that’s for sure.”
Harry turned to Fate. “Fate, how do you know Nanoha?” Fate’s gaze immediately swung down to her feet. “Don’t ask,” she muttered. She ran back up to the girl’s dormitories and shut the door. Hermione sighed. “Harry, you shouldn’t have asked that,” she said quietly. She stood up and traced Fate’s footsteps all the way to the girls’ dorms.
Nikki frowned. “It’s just a staircase, isn’t it? Shouldn’t be that hard to trace.”
Sergio nodded. “Plus, I can’t imagine why Fate acts as though Nanoha attacked her or something. Just say that they’ve been friends for years, problem solved.”
Tera looked ahead in the narrative. “Oh! Harry’s on the move. For some reason, he needs his Invisibility Cloak to go talk to Nanoha.”
They portalled ahead, emerging in Nanoha’s bedroom-cum-office, which apparently had a hammock in it.
Somehow, Nanoha was able to detect the magic of the Invisibility Cloak, despite the fact that no one canonically had been able to detect it without the use of spells.
“What I love is that she automatically assumes it’s a student,” murmured Sergio.
Tera quirked her eyebrow. “How about the fact that she just apologizes for capturing him, and feels ashamed for it? HE should be the one apologizing.”
Ari made more charges, and looked ahead in the Words. “Oh, what in the name of the Kaisers…”
Her eyes landed on Harry as she tried to tell him on how she met Fate. She excluded the parts where they had received devices, familiars, and were searching for Jewel Seeds, the parts about other planets, Hayate’s Knights, and Hayate’s illness.
Harry’s eyes widened at the thought of Fate being abused by her ‘mother’. He had no idea that THAT had happened.
“What.”
“Wha?”
“HUH?”
Tera and Nikki simply stared in shock.
“OK. First, it is intensely rude to just tell a random student about your best friend’s abusive past,” growled Tera.
“Secondly,” snarled Sergio. “That story would make no damn sense without the parts about other worlds or magic.”
Corolla muttered, “Third and fourth, Hayate has jack-squat to do with how Nanoha and Fate met, and at no point did Nanoha receive a familiar.”
“And I should hope that Harry had no idea Fate was abused, considering he just met her that day!” finished Ari.
As Nanoha escorted Harry back to the Common Room, the agents discussed how to kill the two replacements.
“It has to be really, really painful. I can’t remember, did the Saint’s Cradle blow up at the end of StrikerS?” asked Tera.
Sergio frowned. “I don’t think it did. How about immobilizing them and shooting them in non-vital points until they die from blood loss?”
Nikki sighed, “I think the rules prohibit torturing Sues.”
Ari and Corolla looked at each other. “Actually, we already have a plan. I bet you’ve been wondering why I’ve kept the Book of Dawn floating next to me this whole time,” said Ari.
“Actually, yeah,” remarked Nikki. Ari told them, and when Nanoha came back into the room, they were all grinning evilly.
They were still happy when the telepathic conversation started up. Nanoha asked Fate,
“How do you create a Familiar?”
“You want one?”
“Yep!”
Ari sighed. “Do we even need to say anything about the ridiculous amount of power she needs to make a familiar?”
“Probably not,” agreed Sergio.
She replied with, “First, you need an animal. Then get your Intelligent Device out. Afterwards, say this: ‘I, who has unlocked thy magic, release thy bonds of my protector! I call upon thee, ancient forces come to my hand, and unlock the magic deep within! Come, my familiar!'”
Tera frowned. “But… what about the contract? Fate made Arf without a Device, as well, and she needed Linith to help her…” All the agents looked up in shock, as a sudden, loud cracking noise began.
Nanoha grinned, for she had bought an owl.
“Um,” murmured Nikki, staring at the angrily glowing, urple plothole that a Snowy Owl had just emerged from. “I think we should be worried about that.”
All the agents watched in horror as Nanoha raised her staff. Slowly, the Mid-Childan magic circle appeared under the owl, and with a sudden jolt, the world began to crack. Massive fractures emerged from the center of the circle, and pieces of scenery began to fall away to blackness. The five agents grabbed ahold of each other, bracing themselves. The fractures were about to reach them, when one of the cracks touched the pulsating plothole.
With a horrible noise, the world not only fell apart, but waves of Sue-colored light stretched across the void. Ari felt sicker than she had known she could get, as streams of wilver, breen, pink-gold, and other indescribable colors burned into her eyes. Mercifully, she fainted when the something that sounded the way hreen tasted screeched through the abyss.
“–been a wh–”
“–all for backup–”
Ari frowned and tried to focus. The voices were Sergio’s and Nikki’s, but what had happened?
She shot up in bed as she remembered what had occurred–the plothole, the canon break. She grabbed her mouth as she recalled the void of Sueness.
“Easy there. You were out for a while,” said Sergio, handing her a bucket. When she’d finished throwing up, she looked around. Some water would really be great right now, she thought, before spotting a glass on her bedside. She gulped down the water, and asked Sergio, “Where are we?”
Sergio frowned. “Well, after the World came back, you, Corolla, and Tera were unconscious. So, we hightailed it here, to the Room of Requirement, to wait for you guys to wake up. Corolla and Tera got up a few minutes ago, and we finished the charge list. You missed Harry’s prophetic dream and Nanoha making stupid extra credit on a test.”
Ari nodded, rubbing her head. “OK. So, we’re where in the fic?”
“Chapter five,” said Nikki, handing her a copy of the charge list. “We have about a chapter and a half left.”
The five agents looked at each other. “We have to go back now, don’t we?” sighed Corolla.
“Yeah, we do.” Sergio answered, picking up his rifle, “Let’s get moving. Well, unless Ari still feels dizzy.”
A little bit later the five Agents were in Nanoha’s room. The replacement was still sleeping, so her familiar woke her up with a smack upside the head.
“What was that for?” Nanoha exploded. “Winter, don’t do that ever again!” She yelled. The Familiar giggled. “Sorry,” she said. “But you were so cute and the fact that Umbridge is coming.”
The Agents stared at the exploded Nanoha, then, after she reformed, at her familiar.
“So…” Sergio started, unsure about what to say, “Charge for literally exploding and update the one about Winter to add ‘speaking gibberish’?”
“And also being violent with her master” Tera added, “Any familiar worth its salt would never do anything like that.”
“That too?” Nikki pointed at Nanoha. Since she climbed out of bed sheets and walked down to her classroom, she left the room still wearing her pajamas. The Agents could do nothing but stare in bewilderment, while the jingle from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha’s funny scenes resounded in the room.
“Shut down that iPod, Corolla.”
“Why? I thought it was fitting.”
That day’s lesson was best defined as “mass befriending”: Nanoha decided to bring the students outside and play a “game”, mainly consisting of her shooting several dozen magical spheres at them. The Agents observed the scene from the borders of the Forbidden Forest.
“If she considers dodging Axel Shooters a game, then she is truly a White Devil.” Corolla commented, “Not in the good sense.”
“Yeah, and nearly nobody survived the first barrage.” Ari added, pointing at the students sitting down due to being “out”. Only Fate, Harry and Draco were still standing.
Sergio opened his mouth to say something, but a ball of pink magic hit him squarely in the face, sending him flying backwards.
“Sergio! Are you OK?”
The Agent got in a sitting position, rubbing his forehead.
“Ow… What happened?”
“You were hit by a stray Axel Shooter.” Tera explained. “Are you feeling all right?”
“Yeah. But if this is what ‘befriending’ is like, it isn’t a pleasant experience.” Sergio glanced at Fate, who was still dodging Nanoha’s barrage. “She has my sympathies.”
In the meanwhile, Draco gained a detention by using Harry as an human shield, and Nanoha stumbled onto Alicia.
“What? But… but she’s dead! Well, brain-dead, and falling through a void explicitly stated to be inescapable!” Ari cried. Nobody had time to answer, as more sock-puppeting ensued.
Me: Come back here!
Bai: (Shrieks and starts running)
Me: I won’t forgive you for ruining my apple pie!
Nanoha: She’s at it again…
Bai: R&R to save me, please!
“Is it just my imagination, or those Author Notes keep making less and less sense?” Corolla asked.
Ari shuddered. “It’s not you. In any case, I read ahead. Alicia teleports away from the scene, and doesn’t appear again. At least one of us needs to teleport with her, and I don’t want to get sent who-knows-where without a bit of backup.”
Corolla looked a bit nervous. “So, it’s time for that?”
Ari nodded, and Corolla pulled out her DORKS. With a bit of fiddling, their disguises fell away. Corolla placed her hand on Ari’s outstretched fingers, and they said together:
“Unison–IN!”
There was a sudden flash of light, and when the other three agent’s eyes cleared, Ari was standing alone. However, her normally short blond hair turned blue, her black barrier jacket had turned purple, and Corolla’s energy wings were sprouting out of her back.
Ari took a deep breath. “Book?”
The Book of Dawn glowed for a moment, before responding: [Unison Interface fully activated, with 67% synchronization. Magical Reserves at 43%.]
Ari sighed. “I hope that’s enough.”
“Of course it will be!” cried Corolla’s disembodied voice. Nikki looked incredibly confused.
“Um. What just happened?”
Ari flicked through a few pages in the Book. “This is a special magic from Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha, known as a Unison. It allows certain mages to become much stronger by combining their magic with a Unison Device. Unfortunately, because Corolla and I aren’t well suited to each other, we can’t become a whole lot stronger, and I’ll probably be incredibly tired when it’s over. But it’ll do for now.”
Sergio looked at the Words. “And not a moment too soon,” he said as Alicia, Nanoha, and Hogwarts in general reappeared.
“No. My name is Bai,” she answered coldly. Nanoha stared at the girl. This wasn’t the Alicia Nanoha knew.
“Nanoha doesn’t know Alicia AT ALL. What’s the CAD reading on her?” muttered Tera.
Nikki checked. “88%, and rising quick.” She looked worried, when Winter burst in.
“Who’s she?”
“Someone…” Nanoha said, a little nervous. She wasn’t sure if Winter was going to blast her or not.
“Well, in that case, I want to have a go!” The too-overprotective familiar then conjured up some ice-like arrows. They looked 12 feet long, and had razor sharp edges, enough to give an unpleasant wound. Before Nanoha could tell her to stop, Winter fired them at Alicia. However, she dodged the incoming attacks, and pulled up a shield of her own.
“What. The. Hell.” said Ari flatly.
Sergio looked shocked too, and not just because one of the 12-foot long ‘arrows’ had come dangerously close to their hiding spot. “Did she… she couldn’t have… Besides, those are not arrows, they’re freaking javelins!”
Tera frowned. “So, Winter walks in, sees a teacher talking with a student, and just goes at her with magical spears? What? That’s not being overprotective, that’s being homicidal!” She sighed, “Ari? If you’re going to do something, do it now!”
Ari bit her lip and watched as Alicia/Bai began to make a teleportation circle. Just as she was about to disappear, Ari ran across the room and tackled the possessed canon, teleporting the three of them to parts unknown.
The other three Agents followed Nanoha into her class instead. She was about to start teaching students from Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw when Umbridge entered.
“Let’s hope this scene is not as messed up as the others.” Sergio hoped, “I kinda want to see Umbridge humiliated by Nanoha. Or, better, blasted out of the classroom.”
“You know that the latter would be a charge, right?” Tera asked.
“Yeah, but that woman deserves it.”
Nikki gave Tera a ‘Ignore him’ look.
Umbridge raised an eyebrow and began to ask the students questions. “That criteria that your teacher is teaching… Do you find it frightening?”
A student shook her head no, while Umbridge smiled wider, and more sickeningly sweet.
“Ah, so they are too scared to say yes? Very well…” The student’s eyes grew large and she began to shake her head, to try to make the toad realize the change. However, she didn’t pay attention.
“Wouldn’t she have been fired if she was trying to alter truth in a way so blatantly obvious?” Nikki asked.
“Yes. Dumbledore would have found a way to get rid of her.” Tera answered.
In the meanwhile, Umbridge attempted to prove that Nanoha would be defenseless against her students.
“Isn’t that a paradox?” Sergio inquired, “How would a weak teacher be able to scare her students into submission?”
Nikki and Tera didn’t have the time to respond, as Umbridge attempted to Stupefy Nanoha. The replacement effortlessly blocked the spell with a Round Shield.
“I’ve had more experience, too!” She said, smirking. “You should pay attention to rumors a little more.” Umbridge gasped and began to walk backwards, afraid of what would happen if this ‘teacher’ attacked her. As Nanoha advanced, Umbridge began to back out, resulting in the Ministry toad screaming as she ran out of the room.
While Nanoha laughed, the Agents started writing down the new charges.
“Making Umbridge attack an official Hogwarts teacher without a good reason. Making Nanoha be able to deflect the spell despite being supposed to be magicless-” Tera started.
“Wait, we had already charged for that.” Sergio corrected her, “Add ‘Making Nanoha enjoy scaring Umbridge away’, and I suggest also ‘Botching up the occasion for a great scene’.”
Tera decided to leave the last one out.
The three Agents waded through Generic Students who kept chatting about Nanoha.
“Great,” Sergio complained, “We are going to need to neuralyze the whole school. How much is left of the fic?”
“Not much.” Tera answered, “I hope Ari and Corolla will be back soon, otherwise we might not meet up before the fic ends.”
“We need to get wherever Sirius Back is hiding,” Nikki interrupted, “Harry just sent him a letter about the new teacher. Well, more than a letter, it looks like a text message sent by owl.”
Dear Padfoot,
Sorry for not writing. It slipped my mind, ’cause well, school is starting to get harder. We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and her name is Professor Nanoha Takamachi. Well, that’s what I think anyway. There is another teacher, and her name’s Professor Umbridge. She is nice, a lot like your mum.
Harry
“Sirius will be quite confused, Harry didn’t explain anything.” Tera commented after reading the Words.”
“Well, let’s make him forget that.” Sergio said while opening a portal.
~~~~~~~~~
Ari and Alicia emerged from the portal into a small, dingy room. The young girl whirled around to face Ari. “Who are you!? Guards!” she yelled, running through a door.
Corolla frowned. “Guards? Oh, for—” she muttered as a horde of Death-Eater bits ran in. Ari shifted into a fighting stance.
“OK, guys, I’m sure we can work this out. Now, where are we?” she asked soothingly. The Death Eaters, not known for their conversational skills, promptly sent a volley of curses at the Agents. Ari raised a series of shields, growling “We don’t have time for this. Spark Volley!” With that, tiny spheres of reddish light shot out and hit the bits in their chests. Corolla quickly wrapped bind spells around them, and the two flew after Alicia.
“Should we try to use that spell on them?” asked Corolla.
Ari shook her head as she rounded a corner. “We need to be close to them for it to work. Plus, if Dumbledore is a C-rank, then those guys won’t be worth the time.” As they reached the end of the hallway, they saw a head of blond hair disappearing behind a door guarded by more Death Eaters. “Oh, for Madoka’s sake…” growled Corolla.
Voldemort rubbed his head. He’d had a very strange day; first Snape had come to report to him, even though he could’ve sworn that he’d ordered the teacher to remain at Hogwarts. Then a blue-eyed girl had shown up–his daughter? He couldn’t have had a daughter, he remembered reading somewhere that the love potion his mother had used left him without the ability to love. Even so, the blue-eyed girl was standing in front of him, telling him about some Animagus who’d attacked her. Suddenly, a large explosion rocked the room, while the door flew off its hinges and hit the other wall. Standing in the new hole was a girl, perhaps 15, dressed in purple and with–blue hair?
Ari walked into the room, and swore quietly when she saw the Dark Lord. “Um. I can explain all ofLOOK AT THIS!” she yelled, quickly flashing the neuralyzer. “OK, Alicia/Bai, come stand over here,” she said, thinking for a moment before looking at Voldemort again. “OK. You’re Lord Voldemort. We were never here, you don’t have a daughter, Severus Snape never came here, and… I don’t know, go make plans to take over the world.” She then turned to Alicia, and started preparing a spell.
“Ari, wait! My CAD says she’s just possessed,” said Corolla.
Ari frowned. “But, her eyes… Wait a minute.” She reached out and very carefully removed a pair of blue contacts from the stunned girl’s red eyes. “Huh. All right, then. Your name is Alicia Testarossa, the last thing you remember is standing on your balcony on Mid-Childa, watching as a giant column of light explodes from your mother’s workplace. You’re also braindead.” At that, the girl fell down with a thump.
“Works for me,” muttered Corolla as Ari picked up the girl and opened a portal back to Hogwarts
~~~~~~~~~~~~~.
In less than five minutes, the ones dealing with Sirius were back. One neuralyzing done, one thousand to go…
Tera, Sergio, and Nikki started to go towards Snape’s office, when suddenly, a bright blue portal appeared in front of them. After a few seconds, a somewhat more worse-for-wear Ari, still Unisoned, stepped out, dragging the unconscious Alicia behind her.
She glared at them. “Did YOU guys know she was going straight to a Death Eater hideout?”
Tera looked shocked. “Wait, she–?”
“Yeah, apparently she’s Voldemort’s adopted daughter. But I neuralyzed all of them, and I managed to knock out a few of the bit-Death Eaters that were waiting for her.”
Sergio frowned. “Wait, you didn’t kill her?”
Ari lowered Alicia to the floor gently. “No, she was just possessed. Her eyes were blue because of contacts, and she’s brain-dead again. Did we miss much?”
Tera held up her notebook. “Just some annoying bits with Umbridge and a couple short scenes. Just one real canon violation left.” Ari nodded, and rubbed her shoulders.
“Fine. But I am NOT carrying her again.”
In the end, it was Nikki who carried Alicia. For some reason, the fic she’d come from had given her endurance and strength far better than her young appearance would suggest, so she hauled the comatose girl down to Snape’s office. Harry was already waiting there, and Ari carefully held up one of the Muggle-Use wands.
“Ok then… Stupefy.” she hissed, and Harry fell down. Ari grabbed him with considerably less gentleness than she’d used with Alicia, and listened closely at the door.
“-you think, about Harry?”
A snort was heard. It was probably Snape’s. “Potter? He’s extremely arrogant!”
“Why do you insist on hating him?”
“He is too much like his father,” Snape muttered disdainfully.
“Even so, does that mean you should act like your own father?” Nanoha asked calmly.
Silence was heard, just before Snape said, “Alright. I’ll see what I can do. It’s only because you asked though, right?”
“Yes, Uncle Severus.”
Ari frowned. “Tera.”
“Yes, Ari?”
“Isn’t every member of Nanoha’s extended family dead?”
“Yes, except for Shiro’s sister Misato and her daughter Miyuki, everyone else was killed at a family reunion. Well, Miyuki might not count as extended, since she was raised by Shiro, but I get the feeling that’s not important right now.”
Ari shook her head, and Corolla chirped, “They were all physics-defying samurai ninja, too! Or that might be just Miyuki and Kyouya.”
Sergio smiled. “So. How about we end this little family reunion?”
Nanoha and Snape looked up as three people and two unconscious bodies appeared in the doorway. “Not!Nanoha! Lay down your Intelligent Device and surrender!” yelled the sole male in the group, aiming an enormous rifle at them.
Not!Nanoha glared at them. “Do you really expect me to listen to you? Haven’t you heard the rumors about me?”
The male shrugged. “Well, yeah. But while you’re focusing on me–” “Stupefy.” Nanoha fell over, and behind her stood Nikki, with Muggle-Use wand outstretched.
“–that happens,” said Sergio, smiling.
Snape looked appalled. “How dare you attack my niece!” he yelled.
Corolla, still Unisoned, asked, “Yeah, how ARE you guys related? You have no siblings.”
Snape looked like he was about to argue, but confusion dawned on his face.
“Yeah, I thought it was like that. If you’ll just look here…” said Sergio, holding up the neuralyzer. “Now, you know no one named Takamachi Nanoha, and you are no one’s uncle. The Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is Umbridge, and we were never here.”
The group walked out, now with three unconscious bodies. Ari opened a portal, and grabbed onto Not!Nanoha and Not!Harry with bind spells, gently lifting Alicia. “So, meet you in a few minutes?”
Sergio nodded, and Ari stepped through.
The place she emerged was very clearly not on Earth. Planets hung in the clear blue sky, and a yellow desert stretched in all directions. Ari dropped the two Replacements, and summoned the Book of Dawn, flipping it open to more blank pages. “Well, then,” she said, looking down at the bodies.
“Begin Linker Core Collection.”
[Yes, my Lord.]
With that, what looked like tiny stars rose out of the chests of the Character Replacements, as the blank pages began to fill with words.
Nikki and Tera followed Sergio as he walked in the corridors, apparently sure about where to go.
“Wait! We cannot search the school for every single student!”
“I know that.” Sergio answered, “And I have a plan. We have to find Dumbledore and make him host a meeting or something in the Great Hall. He should be warped enough to believe whatever we say to him.”
Tera nodded in agreement.
“Professor Dumbledore!”
The Headmaster turned to the students who called him.
“Yes?”
“We have to make an important announcement to the whole school,” said the only male one, “Can you please gather everybody in the Great Hall?”
“Why, yes. But may I know what you want to say first?”
“Er… We’d like to make everybody know that at the same time, because… er…” The brunette stuttered, trying to find an excuse. The male one completed the sentence for her.
“Because we have marshmallows!”
Dumbledore smiled.
“That changes everything…”
All of Hogwarts’ population, once in the Great Hall, started to chat trying to figure out why Dumbledore was hosting that meeting. And why he was eating marshmallows, too.
“Three of our students [nom] have an important [nom] announcement to make to [nom] all of us.”
“Is he actually nomming?” Nikki whispered to Sergio.
“Yeah. When a canon is messed up enough, Internet Memes tend to slip in. Annoying, but harmless.”
“Just be glad he’s not doing ‘Naked Time’.” muttered Tera.
“Alright, first thing: We need the transfer student, Fate Testarossa-Harlaown, here, please.” Sergio said to the whole Great Hall. Fate obeyed, and was promptly told by Nikki to close her eyes.
“Everyone look here, please!” [Flash] “Ok people, Nanoha and Fate never entered this school, Umbridge is the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, and–” With a loud crash, an irate-looking familiar with white wings burst in.
“Where’s my master?” yelled Winter, running at them. Tera frowned and reached for her wand.
“You tell me right now, or else I’ll–” what she was threatening would have to remain unanswered, since a moment later, she fell down and made a choking noise. A tiny star began to emerge from her chest, and she fell over, writhing in pain.
Tera blinked. “Oh, I see. Ari must be draining Not!Nanoha’s Linker Core right about now, which means that little Sue-Familiar here is losing her life force. If you guys want to charge her, better do it quick.”
Nikki quickly ran through the charge list.
“Familiar Winter, we are from the Protectors of the Plot Continuum and you are charged with being an uncanonical familiar, with breaking the laws of how familiars are created, being spawned from a plothole, with creating a combined canon break and plothole, thereby causing harm to PPC agents, with being violent against pretty much everybody, including your own master, to the point of attacking people with lethal ice spears without any reason whatsoever, and having a rather ridiculous name. As you can guess by your current suffering, the sentence is death.” The Agent made it just in time, as Winter disappeared just a couple of seconds after she finished speaking.
“Ok people,” said Sergio to the still-dazed professors and students, “You didn’t see that, that person never existed, and we were never here. You are all dismissed.”
The Great Hall slowly emptied.
“So…” Tera started talking to Fate. “Would you please?…” [Flash] “You never went to Hogwarts, you never taught Nanoha how to make a familiar, you fell asleep at your house and this has all been a bizarre but ultimately forgettable dream. You never saw us. Walk right through this portal.”
After Fate returned to her continuum, the three Agents opened another portal and caught up with Ari and Corolla. The desert planet was being whipped by wind, and storm clouds were gathering overhead. “How goes it?” asked Tera, looking and the collapsed Not!Nanoha and Not!Harry.
Ari sighed and pushed back her hair. “Pretty good. I think I have enough magic collected from them to cast it. Charge them while I prepare the spell.” With that, Ari flew up into the air.
Nikki picked Alicia back up again, and the three agents portalled to a safe distance. “Corolla! Link us up telepathically with them!” yelled Sergio
“Ok! You’re all set up now! Make it quick, though!” said Corolla into his mind.
“Right! Not!Nanoha and Not!Harry, you are charged by the PPC with creating an implausible crossover, abusing logic, creating and kidnapping minis, abusing and sock-puppeting canon characters, most egregiously Alicia Testarossa, Dolores Umbridge, and Severus Snape, with breaking the laws of familiars, with causing harm to PPC agents, with turning Ms Figg into a squid, with having incredibly annoying Author’s Notes, with having an illogical plot, with having Harry yell at his friends, with making Severus Snape Nanoha’s uncle, with ignoring the fact that Nanoha was barely able to use magic at this time, with creating the replacement Intelligent Device Raging Heart, with causing Nanoha to explode, with causing Nanoha to go teach class in her pajamas, with having Nanoha teach a class in something she has no knowledge in, with having a COMPLETELY illogical plot, namely having Dumbledore look for a DADA teacher in Japan and having Nanoha accepting, and annoying the Agents! The sentence is death!” said Sergio telepathically. “Ari, Corolla, now!”
Far above them, Ari and Corolla looked down at the Book of Dawn, and the two recited:
“Book of Dawn. Your Master, Ari, orders you here and now to release your power to crush our enemies!”
A small sphere of black light began to gather in the center of the Book, before a bolt of purple lightning shot out of it and reached the storm clouds. Within moments, more lightning began to spark in between the clouds, before forming a giant, dark purple sphere.
“Fire! Annihilation Lightning!”
[So let it be written.]
The sphere shot down a massive pillar of the purple lightning. Not!Harry and Not!Nanoha looked up in horror as it reached them. As soon as it touched the sand, a huge sphere of purple energy exploded.
Sergio, Nikki, and Tera were suddenly very glad they were outside the range of the blast zone.
“Whoa, that’s some fireworks.” Sergio commented. After a few minutes, the roaring in their ears and the winds died down, and they looked over at the Replacements. Ari and Corolla coasted gently down, flying beside them as they ran over to the Sues, Tera carrying Alicia.
To their surprise, Not!Nanoha was still struggling to stand. It looked like most of her hair and at least one layer of skin had been destroyed, and Raging Heart was now a few smashed and sparking bits of machinery, but the Character Replacement looked like she was still trying to fight.
Sergio reached for his gun, when suddenly the sand around them rustled. A giant, worm-like monster, at least five stories tall shot out of the dunes. It seemed to glare at them eyelessly, before Nikki reached down and threw Not!Nanoha at it. With a sudden motion, a tentacle with a barb on it the size of a spear shot out and stabbed the Replacement through the chest, while a second tentacle reached out and grabbed Not!Harry.
The Agents began to back away, when a sudden feeling, like something very wrong had been fixed, struck all of them as the canon snapped back into place. Alicia vanished, presumably going back to her tube in the void.
~~~~~~
A few minutes later, they were walking through the outside of Hogwarts’ island.
Sergio sighed. “Well, that’s that. All that trouble and I didn’t even get to use my rifle. Thirty pounds of metal dragged around for nothing.”
Tera patted him on the back. “Still, seeing Nanoha freak out about how Shamal was going to strap her to her hospital bed was pretty funny.”
“The fact that she was stumbling around kinda ruined it for me,” muttered Nikki.
“Well, it was funnier than Harry’s who-are-you-and-why-am-I-at-the-Dursley’s thing,” said Tera, rolling her eyes.
The agents portalled back to RC #97, while Ari and Corolla de-Unisoned. The two collapsed on the couch.
“Ugh. I feel like I just did a tetrathlon with iron weights strapped to my ankles.” groaned Ari, while Corolla had already fallen asleep.
[BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!]
Wings Of Canon 